I’ve been out of the (blogging) scene for a while. A little over a month ago, my father passed away. It was 2 weeks before the hubby and I were due to fly over from the UK for a visit. Right after a very cold, early morning appointment with the dentist (7 a.m.) while in the US, I got the text message that changed my life forever. As they say, when you think you got all your plans nailed Life throws a monkey-wrench (“spanner” to you Brits). This one landed hard and right on my head. In the days following I mourned much, reflected more, worked zilch. I am also mostly lost. To this day. The proverbial rug pulled from underneath, I feel my footing totally gone. I can only hope to find balance at some point. Though I already know that post-Dad my life will always be slightly askew. Compared to my siblings I was not as close to my father while growing up. I did not curl up to him with the sweet affection of a daughter. My father and I — we talked politics, history, sports, photography, and world wars. We argued over events going on in goverment, and discussed my professional plans and career paths, mostly mine. He treated me more like a son, than a daughter. To me, my father rarely showed love openly. Like most of his generation, tender emotion is not something men openly expressed. But Dad rarely hid, or could hide, his pride in me. This was obvious to all. And it’s not as if I’ve achieved much. On the contrary. For that, I will always be grateful because a lot of what I am today I owe to him. Had he not set his standards and the bar for integrity high, I would’ve settled for less than is worth the effort in many aspects of my life.
You know, Dad, when you were alive, I did not get to talk or spend time with you much, particularly the latter few very weak years. But somehow I felt the ground under my feet more solid then knowing I could if only I would, than now that I can’t even if I did. I am truly sorry and broken. But I promise that when we next get to see each other, I will sit long hours by your side, and every day talk silly, fun things with you, other than career and politics. I will tell you about the Boy I found, who brings me happiness every single day, and takes good care of me. I am alright. You don’t worry. And I will hold your hand as we talk, and you can pat my head, and all in the world will be fine.
It’s only when you grow up, and step back from him, or leave him for your own career and your own home—it’s only then that you can measure his greatness and fully appreciate it. Pride reinforces love.
So in honor of my Dad, enough sadness and downtime now. And back to regular programming. Hopefully soon.